I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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