Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
