Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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