sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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