if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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