So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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