What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
