and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
