Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
