Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
