I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
