Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
