WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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