I'm gonna have a badass scar
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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