They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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