WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
