Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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