so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
