24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
