can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
