Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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