I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
