I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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