apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Quick, to the slutcave!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
