I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
