hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
