my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
