I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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