i think my mom watched the whole time
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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