all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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