Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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