I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My pussy is not your playground.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
