His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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