I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
