my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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