The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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