bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
