so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My Higher Power is John Stamos
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
