I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
