The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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