I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
