last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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