you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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