So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
