i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
