I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
