She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
