Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
