dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
