If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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